With petrol prices still high, a bond bleeding you dry and food prices soaring, December holidays are looking a bit bleak. For many, the only option is to stay at home. So I've kindly compiled a list of things to do when you can't afford to go anywhere.
For those who live in Springs, Pofadder, Senekal and the like, I'm afraid you're just going to have to be bored. There is nothing to do and anyway, people shouldn't live in hick towns like those.
But, for those of you in city centres, there's hope.
1 - Your first, best option, of course, is to make more money quickly so you can go away. The best earners in the country are chief executives and strippers. For one job you can be overweight and hairy; for the other job you'd better be slim and smooth and know how to dance.
2 - If neither of the jobs above appeals to you, you'll be stuck in the city. But, buy enough cheap beer in quarts and you could spend the whole holiday not sure where you are.
3 - However, for those who value their livers, there's always the pantomime. It's loud, it's funny and you could end up on stage singing with the cast and all the five-year-olds who have rushed up on stage with you.
4 - Then there are the casinos. They'll be doing a roaring trade with sad, poor people just like you. Apart from potentially getting to meet lots of like-minded souls, you also stand a chance of winning some loot. But, it's a very slim chance you'll walk away a winner. It's far more likely you'll lose all your money and be worse off than when you started.
5 - For a more wholesome experience, you could always spend a day out at one of the dams nearby or at the seaside. Visitors to Hartebeespoort or the Vaal can peer out at the water watching the rich people on their jet skis. There's nothing like a bit of envy to make you want to earn more money next year. For those who live by the sea, it's going to be less depressing. Just remember to take your own umbrellas and food, because you won't be able to afford anything from the vendors.
6 - As for Christmas Day, I'd suggest a bring-and-braai. You should be able to stretch to some charcoal, firelighters and stale rolls. Just get the guests to supply the Lays chips, meat, booze, salads, potatoes and pudding and you're all set.
7 - As for New Year's Day, I'd suggest a bring-and-braai. You should be able to stretch to some charcoal, firelighters and stale rolls. Just get the guests to supply the Lays chips, meat, booze, salads, potatoes and pudding and you're all set.
8 - However, other people's New Year's celebrations are notoriously easy to gatecrash. Take your own beer, but remember to keep it hidden in your car so no one steals the precious stuff.
9 - Then there's always just staying at home. Alone. Watching SABC. I've heard they have a good programme or two once every couple of weeks.
10 - For truly sad people, who can't stomach the SABC, you could work over the holiday season and pretend you're the office martyr. Who knows, you might even pick up some overtime. Unfortunately, that won't do you any good, since you're trying to avoid having time off, but at least you can spend your days surfing salacious Internet sites with company bandwidth.
With this plethora of options now before you, you should be able to start planning for your holiday break. Just remember, when you're feeling blue, terribly trustworthy "experts" have said South Africa's economy will pick up again by September next year, which means that Christmas 2009 should be a lot more pleasant.
______________________________________________________
This column first appeared on ITWeb. You can find it at www.itweb.co.za
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Monday, December 1, 2008
The Great Media Agenda
Very few people know this so I’d appreciate if you kept it to yourself, but the media does indeed have an agenda.
You’ll have heard politicians say so. The general public says so. Overpaid company executives say so. Hell, these days even our dear finance minister Trevor Manuel says so. So it must be true. The media has just never admitted to it before.
But here’s how it works.
Every morning, just after the sun rises, editors around the country have their first cigarette, get up, make coffee, scan the papers and then dial into the daily conference call. Didn’t know about that conference call, did you?
Well, everyone’s on it. The editor of “You”, the guy from “Playboy”, the head of “Jacaranda Radio”, some oke from the SABC (it’s hard to keep up with who it is because it changes every week) all the financial publications, all the radio dudes, all the television types, “Die Son”, “Die Kat”, “KTV”, “Farmers Weekly” – you name it there’s no part of the media too odd, too little or too irrelevant for that call because, you see, that’s when the great media agenda of the day is set.
And behind that agenda is a broader agenda. Briefly put, the broader agenda is to sow the seeds of negativity, depress the nation, cast doubt on all those who have authority, give credence to spurious rumours and gnaw away at the very fabric of society.
The daily agenda fits in with these goals and might include endless talk about gruesome crimes, politician-bashing, shit-stirring and bold-faced lying about everything.
Once the general tone for the day is in place, the editors wander in to their respective offices and attend the morning news meetings. At these meetings the agenda is never spoken about, but the editor will push people in the right direction even though they propose innocuous stories about nothing in particular. Said editor will put a spin and an angle on all story suggestions.
Then that editor has to control the news editors during the day. Because they can’t be openly spoken to about the great media agenda, it takes persuasion and threats to get them to fall into line.
Then there’s another secret, early afternoon conference call to check that all media are on track to cause the mayhem expected of them. Often the editors are a bit drunk after lunch – this only serves to make them more rabid about the task at hand.
Then later in the afternoon they have to keep checking that the reporters and the news editors are in sync and haven’t noticed that all their buddies in other parts of the media have been persuaded to cover exactly the same stories in exactly the same way.
Then it’s the afternoon news meeting, the selection of stories and the start of the night shift. Editors have to work incredibly hard to make sure all of the people involved keep their own ideas about what constitutes news far away from the office. You know those pesky night editors – when they think no one is looking they’d sell their grandmothers for drugs, which means they have no qualms about changing the entire production process and all of the stories and then blaming it on someone else.
What you probably didn’t know was that most editors have little spy cameras installed above the night editors in order to catch just such an event. They keep their beady eyes trained on the night editors until it’s safe to finally go to sleep.
But that, in a nutshell, is how the great media agenda is adhered to every day. It’s tough work, especially given that getting journalists to follow instruction is like trying to herd cats. And given that the bulk of the press are least organised people you could hope to meet, organising the agenda is no mean feat. But at least we have one and we’re very, very good at sticking to it. And that is why the world is a mess; why George W Bush is an idiot; why poor people are starving; why politicians are corrupt; why Bob Mugabe is mad; why you don’t earn enough money; why service is slow in restaurants; why petrol costs too much; why Jacob Zuma likes taking showers; why Mumbai went up in smoke; why the globe is in a recession; why Julius Malema is certifiably stupid; why banks are evil; why you always get pushed out of queues; why mobile phone companies charge too much; why a good cocktail has become unaffordable; why you never get the good parking space; why crime is rampant; why Kentucky Fried Chicken never tastes good any more.
It’s true! It’s all the media’s fault! And it’s thanks to the Great Media Agenda!
You’ll have heard politicians say so. The general public says so. Overpaid company executives say so. Hell, these days even our dear finance minister Trevor Manuel says so. So it must be true. The media has just never admitted to it before.
But here’s how it works.
Every morning, just after the sun rises, editors around the country have their first cigarette, get up, make coffee, scan the papers and then dial into the daily conference call. Didn’t know about that conference call, did you?
Well, everyone’s on it. The editor of “You”, the guy from “Playboy”, the head of “Jacaranda Radio”, some oke from the SABC (it’s hard to keep up with who it is because it changes every week) all the financial publications, all the radio dudes, all the television types, “Die Son”, “Die Kat”, “KTV”, “Farmers Weekly” – you name it there’s no part of the media too odd, too little or too irrelevant for that call because, you see, that’s when the great media agenda of the day is set.
And behind that agenda is a broader agenda. Briefly put, the broader agenda is to sow the seeds of negativity, depress the nation, cast doubt on all those who have authority, give credence to spurious rumours and gnaw away at the very fabric of society.
The daily agenda fits in with these goals and might include endless talk about gruesome crimes, politician-bashing, shit-stirring and bold-faced lying about everything.
Once the general tone for the day is in place, the editors wander in to their respective offices and attend the morning news meetings. At these meetings the agenda is never spoken about, but the editor will push people in the right direction even though they propose innocuous stories about nothing in particular. Said editor will put a spin and an angle on all story suggestions.
Then that editor has to control the news editors during the day. Because they can’t be openly spoken to about the great media agenda, it takes persuasion and threats to get them to fall into line.
Then there’s another secret, early afternoon conference call to check that all media are on track to cause the mayhem expected of them. Often the editors are a bit drunk after lunch – this only serves to make them more rabid about the task at hand.
Then later in the afternoon they have to keep checking that the reporters and the news editors are in sync and haven’t noticed that all their buddies in other parts of the media have been persuaded to cover exactly the same stories in exactly the same way.
Then it’s the afternoon news meeting, the selection of stories and the start of the night shift. Editors have to work incredibly hard to make sure all of the people involved keep their own ideas about what constitutes news far away from the office. You know those pesky night editors – when they think no one is looking they’d sell their grandmothers for drugs, which means they have no qualms about changing the entire production process and all of the stories and then blaming it on someone else.
What you probably didn’t know was that most editors have little spy cameras installed above the night editors in order to catch just such an event. They keep their beady eyes trained on the night editors until it’s safe to finally go to sleep.
But that, in a nutshell, is how the great media agenda is adhered to every day. It’s tough work, especially given that getting journalists to follow instruction is like trying to herd cats. And given that the bulk of the press are least organised people you could hope to meet, organising the agenda is no mean feat. But at least we have one and we’re very, very good at sticking to it. And that is why the world is a mess; why George W Bush is an idiot; why poor people are starving; why politicians are corrupt; why Bob Mugabe is mad; why you don’t earn enough money; why service is slow in restaurants; why petrol costs too much; why Jacob Zuma likes taking showers; why Mumbai went up in smoke; why the globe is in a recession; why Julius Malema is certifiably stupid; why banks are evil; why you always get pushed out of queues; why mobile phone companies charge too much; why a good cocktail has become unaffordable; why you never get the good parking space; why crime is rampant; why Kentucky Fried Chicken never tastes good any more.
It’s true! It’s all the media’s fault! And it’s thanks to the Great Media Agenda!
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